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Heart heavy June 29, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — katy @ 10:35 am

Today I dropped Owen off for his final day of transistion before he moves schools.  He has off next week and will begin at his new placement on July 10.  All of his teachers have been writing sweet notes about how they enjoyed working with Owen this year…his big blue eyes…the fun they had…and I felt as though I had failed them.  Could I have done more?  Should I have done something different? 

As we pulled up, Lori–one of his first teachers–crossed our parking spot.  We met up with her in the lobby and I started to cry.  Why hasn’t he done better?  These amazing people are not in this job for the money.  The pay stinks.  Owen has hit, bit, pushed and yelled at each and every one of his teachers.  He has also learned, laughed and loved with each of them.  Truly, the first time he ever said "I love you" was to his teacher Lorraine. 

Why couldn’t he have made it?  Not for me–but for them. 


25 Responses to “Heart heavy”

  1. Nancy Says:

    Saying “I love you” for the first time was a great achievement. Maybe because they are his teachers not his mom they can find joy in those small miracles even in the absence of the big ones.

    Most days I know you can too…

  2. Sara Says:

    awww….you know he’s ending the year with more than he started….I hear that he’s not where everyone was hoping he would be. He’s still the most perfect Owen though…hugs while you grieve.

  3. margene Says:

    Life is sucha roller coaster. We expect so much and often life falls short of our expectations. (As you can tell this is on my mind lately.) Small steps are blessings, too. My heart is with you today.

  4. Angi Says:

    I believe no one is here by chance and that Owen WILL fulfill his purpose. God hasn’t stopped watching over y’all and Owen hasn’t stopped growing and learning. Love to you all.

  5. Carole Says:

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Hugs.

  6. T. Rieder Says:

    I have been reading your blog for a long time and this is the first time I have commented. The day that Owen gives up and stops learning is the day that you have failed him and you are not the type of mom to let that happen.

  7. Christy Says:

    No words. Only love and warm thoughts to you and your family.

  8. The whys are often the hardest. Sometimes an answer can be found with a bit of perspective, sometimes it just is right to sit down and have a good cry. Often there is no reason – life is part of a whole and we only control one itty bit of that. You’re a great mom Katy – if only because you care enough to want that for him and his teachers!

  9. Emma. Says:

    You haven’t failed. You’ve done the very best that you can.
    Sometimes,hard though it is,we have to accept things aren’t going to change. At least not to the extent we desire. It’s hard. It can help to see the joy in small things. Saying ”I8 love you” is a very big thing.
    I can’t,and won’t,tell you how to feel. Sara is right. You have go through your own period of grieving,at your own pace,in your owmn way. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.


  10. sprite Says:


    It doesn’t make it better or easier, but we’re here for you.

  11. Mary Beth Says:

    Transitions are a time for such questioning, right? Because you are his mom and want the very best for him, you are questioning whether there is anything else you could have done. That’s what makes you such a great mom…you are always searching to be sure that he’s getting the very best out there for him…he’s a lucky guy to have you!

  12. Norma Says:

    Well, there is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said by your wise commenters. Just know that I am here, hoping to make you smile — or to swear at me. 😀

  13. Michelle Says:

    Oh Katy, I am sorry that you are sad and that this is the reality of life. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.


  14. sarah b. Says:

    The fact that you wonder what else you could have done is evidence of the fact that you are doing all you can do. You are using your resources, fighting for your kids at every turn, and I know few moms who have had to fight harder.

  15. Kathy Says:

    You are an amazing mom. I am sending you the biggest hug. xo

  16. Vicki Says:

    You ARE an amazing mom, and you have done the best you can. Give yourself some credit. ((hugs))

  17. michele Says:

    I’m so proud of you and I barely know you. I feel you are such a special and strong mom.

  18. Maryann Says:

    Katy, please just remember that you are doing everything you can. I don’t want you to feel guilty that Owen hasn’t progressed farther. I have two other friends that are also very frustrated that their kids haven’t made the progression they would like (one is autistic, the other pdd-nos). I wish I knew what to say to help you feel all better. I also wonder what Eva’s future will be like. I have other friends with a recently diagnosed son, asking me what Eva was doing at his age. I understand, they are trying to predict what he’ll be doing at her age. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell.

    Gee, aren’t I encouraging? I’m sorry, I’m getting really introspective here. Anyways, hang in there. I hope the transition goes well, and I am sure you will be able to get in touch with Owen’s old teachers to talk whenever you need to.


  19. Jackie Says:

    Katy, as hard as it is, somewhere down deep you must know that you have failed no one – One nor his teachers. Just from reading your blog, I can see how far he has come. Be proud of him. He is a very wonderful gift. You are a wonderful mother – who could possibly be more giving, more loving? I simply can’t imagine!

  20. Carol Says:

    No cliches, no words of wisdom. You ARE a great mom… to Gracie, Cam & Owen.

  21. greta Says:

    been there, know the feelings.
    Wish I could be where you are to sit and knit and have some
    tears together.

  22. Orli Says:

    I can’t offer advice, though I agree “saying I love you” sounds like a major step.
    all I offer is my HUG.

  23. chris Says:

    We don’t know why, we can only hope that the future holds something wonderful. Grieve when you need and then be strong when you can. Life may not seem fair, but it has many wonders that bring us joy, find those when you can.

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